As 2024 is just around the corner, looking back, a lot’s happened. To sum it up with one sentence, I’d say: “Proud of myself? Absolutely. But fully satisfied? Not quite.” As the title suggests, this year was the best of mine yet, filled with both joy and sorrow at the same time, I was both happy and sad at the same time. it’s a very subtle experience, let me break it down a bit more.

Photo credits: Me@Nürnberg, DE

With my best office mate Sudeep:D

The most significant event was my move to Tübingen, Germany for a postdoctoral research, marking a new phase of my career and life. At the very beginning, everything was a struggle, with no one to rely on except the most unpredictable and judgmental lunatic in town. Her inconsistency and harsh critiques made settling in as a newcomer particularly challenging.

Despite the initial struggles, I am a survivor. I quickly found my place among the Chinese community in the institute and the town, kind of getting along with all the Chinese. It was a very pleasant good time, things got fun pretty fast. I dove right into the social scene and, believe it or not, turned out to be pretty crucial to our community. I’m not the social king of course, but I was showing a totally different side of my personality, I was way more outgoing than I ever was back in depressing Beijing era. So our Chinese community, had meals together quite often after my arrival, making fun of our ‘lunatic queen’, and engaging in light-hearted gossip.

Meanwhile, I kinda let my work slide, especially the eXTP simulation stuff I was supposed to nail – total mess, honestly. We had a workshop in Rome with Phil, and many big names from China, like Fangjun, Shuangnan. Oh, and Phil, he turned down my application for Amsterdam in February. That interview was something else – my first real-deal professional one. It really opened my eyes. Phil and Anna, they weren’t drilling me with hardcore specific science stuff, more like testing how I think on my feet. Quite the ride, I’m telling you! Anyway, I ended up focusing a lot on socializing – not the academic kind, but more like hanging out with the Chinese community. It was fun, sure, but my anxiety started creeping up day by day.

The turning point for me was the “relationship” I had with a Chinese girl, for whom social life was immensely important. We were mutually attracted to each other, bonding over fun activities like playing video games, hosting parties, and casual gossip. However, as time passed, her self-centered personality and inconsistent temper began to emerge. Her singular focus on partying and gossiping in Tübingen gradually drain me mentally. At this pivotal moment, this experience led me deeply reflect on my life choices and question what I truly want.

After a few dramatic scenes, I ended the relationship. It turned out to be possibly the second-best decision I made this year. I felt a huge sense of relief. However, the several months afterwards turned increasingly unpleasant and disgusting. But, as I’ve come to realize, life is a balance: “you gain some things and lose others, or vice versa.” In contrast to her approach, I started distancing myself from the Chinese community, especially the Chinese gang at our institute. The Chinese at my institute are bunch of clowns, except for 2 whom I still communicate with regularly. As for the others, one half are condescending assholes, another half are just pure retards. They were condescending in a way that they didn’t even engaging with non-Chinese colleagues in our institute, and often speaking in a dismissive way that contempt the values and efforts of others. Most of them prefer to stay within their comfort zone, mainly/only socializing with other Chinese individuals. This often means they don’t feel the need to speak English or trying to learn German. And of course due to the language barrier, some struggle to understand the basic words from other colleagues. It may come across as harsh and super racist against my own people, but I am just stating the fact that they tend to stay in their tiny circle and are incapable of or hesitant to interact with people outside of it.

Hanging out with the Chinese group at our institute has become increasingly awkward and monotonous. I’ve been making efforts to go out, meet new people, and engage in different local activities. Whether it’s smoking with Emre, and Miraç, having tea breaks with Armin, or joining Kungfu classes. these experiences have helped me connect with others. I’ve formed some of my best friendships this way. I am grateful for these friendships and those nice people, and also very proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone.

Simplifying my life by reducing unnecessary socializing with the Chinese group has been refreshing. I realized that the lack of social boundaries within this group often led to limited personal time. Guess what, I refocused on work, I’m close to publishing two papers – one on instrumental and another on an anti-glitch discovery in a pulsar, a significant scientific finding. Life is realigning with my goals, though it sometimes feels lonely. However, this is a small price for avoiding those bullshits. I’ve started reading and journaling again, which mentally rejuvenates me, offering a form of meditation and helping to clarify and reshape my thoughts and minds. I’m getting better, I can notice the evolvement.

Here’s to 2024! I’m grateful for everything happened this year, especially the tough lessons learned from toxic environment and/or my own misguided decisions. What doesn’t kill you really does make you care less:) Let’s go!